Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Thoughts for the day

1. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

2. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

4. There are 2 kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead.

5. Life is sexually transmitted.

6. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

7. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

8. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

9. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

10. Get the last word in; apologise.

11. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they wont bother you for weeks.

12. Some people are like slinkies.... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

13. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

14. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?

15. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

16. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

17. Why does a slight tax increase cost you £200 and a substantial tax cut saves you £0.30?

18. In the 1960s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people taking Prozac to make it normal.

19. Politics is supposed to be the 2nd oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

20. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

Random musings

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Friday, December 10, 2004

Weekend Thoughts

* It is respectable to have no illusions, and [be] safe, and profitable, and dull.

* You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.

* All a man can betray is his conscience.

* The scrupulous and the just, the noble, humane, and devoted natures; the unselfish and the intelligent may begin a movement but it passes away from them. They are not the leaders of a revolution. They are its victims.

-Joseph Conrad, 1857 - 1924

When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human
misery rather than avenge it?

-Eleanor Roosevelt, 1884-1962

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts;
but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science.

-Jules Henri Poincare, 1854 - 1912


* Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself,
I have failed three times, and what happens when he says, I'm a failure.

-Samuel Ichiye Hayakawa, 1906 - 1992

* Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know.

-William Saroyan, 1908 - 1981

Robert Louis Stevenson:

* Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.

* The cruelest lies are often told in silence.

* The world has no room for cowards. We must all be ready somehow to toil, to suffer, to die. And yours is not the less noble because no drum beats before you when you go out into your daily battle fields, and no crowds shout about your coming when you return from your daily victory or defeat.

The stream of thought flows on; but most of its segments fall into the bottomless abyss of oblivion. Of some, no memory survives the instant of their passage. Of others, it is confined to a few moments, hours or days. Others, again, leave vestiges which are indestructible and by means of which they may be recalled as long as life endures.

-William James

The man who has no inner life is the slave of his surroundings.

-Henri F. Amiel

True friendship multiplies the good in life and divides its evils. Strive to have friends, for life without friends is like life on a desert island . . . to find one real friend in a lifetime is good fortune; to keep him is a blessing.

-Baltasar Gracian

Education, then, beyond all other devices of human origin, is the great equalizer of the conditions of man - the balance wheel of the social machinery.

-Horace Mann


* I know of no pursuit in which more real and important service can be rendered to any country than by improving its agriculture.

-George Washington

* When tillage begins, other arts follow. The farmers, therefore, are the founders of human civilization.

-Daniel Webster

Freedom is not the sole prerogative of a lucky few, but the inalienable and universal right of all human beings.

-Ronald Reagan

Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot get on without it any more than we can without potatoes.

-Louisa May Alcott, 1832 - 1888

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

-Woody Allen

Top 10 excuses for speeding

1 I had passed out after seeing flashing lights, which I believed to be UFOs in the distance. The flash of the camera brought me round from my trance.

2 I was in the airport’s flight path and I believe the camera was triggered by a jet overhead, not my car

3 I had a severe bout of diarrhoea and had to speed to a public toilet

4 There was a strong wind behind my car which pushed me over the limit

5 My friend had just chopped his fingers off and I was rushing the fingers to hospital

6 The vibrations from the surfboard I had on the roof rack set off the camera

7 I had to rush my dying hamster to the vets

8 A violent sneeze caused a chain reaction where my foot pushed down harder on the accelerator

9 There was a suspected case of foot and mouth and I had to rush to see the cow concerned

10 The only way I could demonstrate my faulty clutch was to accelerate madly.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Real Hamsters



Which Nigerian Spammer Are You?

Which Nigerian spammer are You?

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

The Band Aid Dilemma....

You want this record to succeed, because you feel for the plight of the refugees in the Darfur region of Sudan and this project is funding aid projects on their behalf. However, you hate this recording and feel your musical ego looming and refusing to be bruised.

The answer?

  • Buy as many copies of Do They Know It's Christmas by Band Aid 20 as you can afford.
  • Destroy them in amusing ways, on camera.
  • Send us the pictures.

Charity. Violence. You know it makes sense.


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Medical Humour

Entries found on patient's records
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Friday, December 03, 2004

Out of Office Replies

"I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood."

"I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you"

"You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all."

"Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management"

"I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on 18/4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received."

"Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message."

"The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again."
(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

"Thank you for your message, which has been added to an email queueing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks and 3 days."

"Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message."

"I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted."

"Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."

"Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Please don't bother to leave me any messages."

"I've run away to join a different circus."

"I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'."


Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, secular practices of your choice, or with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

We also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004 of the common era, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures, nor without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, IQ, chronological status, mental deficiencies, religious faith, or sexual preference or practices of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are agreeing to these terms: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

All taxes are the responsibility of the wishee, and the decision of a panel of arbitrators is final in the event of a dispute.

In spite of being advised that the above small print should be included, we will content ourselves with

Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Weekend thoughts

If you wish success in life, make perseverance your bosom friend, experience
your wise counselor, caution your elder brother, and hope your guardian
-Joseph Addison, 17th Cent. English essayist

Men are anxious to improve their circumstances, but are unwilling to improve
themselves; they therefore remain bound.
-James Allen, 19th Cent. American novelist

The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and
writes another.
-J. M. Barrie, Scottish playwright and author

Those who rule us are like you and me. It is a frightening situation.
-Brooks Atkinson (1894-1984), Once Around the Sun [1951], January 27th

Humor is not merely the telling of funny stories. It recognizes the vast
difference between life as we imagine it and life as we live it, and between
the fanciful and imposing impressions we have of ourselves and what we
actually are.
-Brooks Atkinson (1894-1984), Once Around the Sun [1951], April 4th

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is
generally the by-product of other activities.
-Aldous Huxley

If a man insisted always on being serious, and never allowed himself a bit
of fun and relaxation, he would go mad or become unstable without knowing
-Herodotus, 5th Cent. BC Greek historian

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and
another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which one
is true.
-Nathaniel Hawthorne 1804-1864

Never, never, never believe any war will be smooth and easy, or that anyone
who embarks on the strange voyage can measure the tides and hurricanes he
will encounter. The Statesman who yields to war fever must realize that once
the signal is given, he is no longer the master of policy but the slave of
unforeseeable and uncontrollable events.
-Sir Winston Spencer Churchill (1874-1965), My Early Life: Roving Commission

Jonathan Swift:
* We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us
love one another.
* A man should never be ashamed to own that he has been in the wrong, which
is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than yesterday.
* When a true genius appears in the world, you may know him by this sign,
that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.

* Brotherhood is not so wild a dream as those, who profit by postponing it,
-Eric Sevareid, 1912 - 1992
* If you really believe in the brotherhood of man, and you want to come into
its fold, you've got to let everyone else in, too.
-Oscar Hammerstein II, 1895 - 1960

I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the
understanding which bringeth peace.
-Helen Keller, 1880 - 1968


There is no finer revenge than that which *others* inflict on your enemy.
Moreover, it has the advantage of leaving you the role of a generous man.
-Cesare Pavese, This Business of Living: Diaries 1935-50

Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the
maximum of opportunity.
-George Bernard Shaw

An open letter to President George W Bush

Dear President Bush,

Congratulations on your election victory, and for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. As you said, “In the eyes of God, marriage is based between a man and a woman.”

I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination…….End Of Debate.

However, I do need some advice from you regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how best to follow them.

1. Leviticus 26:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Leviticus 15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tied asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar of sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord – Leviticus 1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obliged to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Leviticus 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there “degrees” of abomination?

7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit to using reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair round their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton / polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Leviticus 24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Leviticus 20:14).

I know that you have studied these things extensively, and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident that you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.


Please fill out this new questionnaire

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, did not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately.

(For once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...:-)

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_] Classified [_]
Other First Name: ............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name ............................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name: ............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...........................

2. Which model of aircraft did you Purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase
(Year/Month/Day): 20..../..../....

4. Serial Number: ................................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_] Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying by manufacturer [_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance [_] Speed / manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback / bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_] Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America [_] Iraq [_] South America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Europe [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries [_] Iraq [_] Classified [_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:

[_] Colour TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer Satellite [_] CD Player [_] Air-to-Air Missiles [_] Space Shuttle [_] Home Computer [_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation?

[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_] Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_] Personal cheque [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_] Mercenary [_] Tyrant [_] Student [_] Eccentric billionaire [_] Defence Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Middle management

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running / jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilisation / overthrow [_] Default on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling [_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_] Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_] Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUG! LAS CORPORATION Marketing Department & Military Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

Fed up with 419 scams?

Than have a look at http://www.whatsthebloodypoint.com/

Seasonal joke

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Get your own back on Spammers

An interesting thing I've come across is Lycos's new screensaver designed to flood servers that have spamvertised products flooded by user requests. It's not quite a full DoS, but Lycos reckon that enough hits will increase a spammer's operating costs sufficiently to make a serious dent in their profitability. Could be complete twaddle, but it's worth a try.

If you want to read more on this, have a look at http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/11/26/lycos_europe_spam_blitz/

The screensaver is available from http://makelovenotspam.com/intl